Emotions
by juliette729
Summary: Jasper's view point the night after Edward and Bella returned home from their honeymoon. Continuation from another I did from Esme's point of view.


**This is a revised version of my original story Emotions. I had it betaed and decided to re-upload it here. Hope you enjoy the revised version!**

**AN: I have written another piece titled "Worry" that is Esme's view and feelings the night after Edward and Bella return from their honeymoon. I was in a mood to write and thought I would try that same night from someone else's perspective. If you like this one, check out my profile to find **_**"Worry".**_

**I do not own any of the characters or plot, all are property of Stephenie Meyer, and I'm glad she allows us to play in her world. **

Alice was shaking, her eyes closed as she rocked back and forth. There had been very few times in our nearly sixty years together that I had seen her cry silent tears. This afternoon was one of those times. After we had all returned home from picking Edward and Bella up at the airport in Seattle, I had to get her out of the house for a while. The trial of the family meeting that had followed had been long and exhausting. I picked Alice up in my arms, and walked out the back door with her clutching my neck, her face buried in my sweater.

Sighing, I closed my eyes as I held my wife in my arms and reviewed the whole evening in my mind. I cringed thinking back upon the emotional climate that had rolled through the house for what seemed like hours. In reality that family meeting had only lasted probably half an hour or so. Edward was a pure mess. His self loathing had made me want to recoil from him when I first encountered them at the airport, and his emotions had only intensified as time passed. He was a man ready to burn for his sins. He was drowning in sorrow for the loss of his wife as she sat in front of him. His whole body rolled with a hatred for himself such as I have never seen before, even on his or my worst days. The only thing he could possibly hate worse than himself was the thing growing inside of Bella. He seethed internally every time he caught her small hand rubbing her abdomen. I had tried on several occasions to help him emotionally, but he would just turn and snap at me to stop. I guess that was all well and good, because I honestly didn't know if I could help him with as much pain and hostility as he was feeling. I wasn't sure if I could dent it at all.

Rosalie was furious more than anything else. I think she could have turned her eyes red with the fury that was coming from her. I'd seen Rosalie riled up on several occasions, and usually it was always at Edward. But the anger that rolled from her today was nothing I had ever seen from her before. The whole way to the airport, I kept checking the rearview mirror as I drove, looking back at Rosalie. She was holding herself in, being contemplative and hiding whatever other feelings she had. However, as soon as she saw Bella, she could not stop the tidal wave of emotion that rolled from her. The anxiety she felt toward Bella's situation had surprised me. I figured she was only concerned for the 'baby'. However, over the course of the afternoon Rosalie's true affection for Bella surfaced. It was slight and dim and often hidden behind other emotions, but it was there. After the anxiety and stress of the situation had moved to let other emotions surface, her fury caught me off guard. My first thought was that her anger now _was_ aimed at Bella. Not only was Bella 'choosing' the wrong life, but she was getting to have what Rosalie wanted most. But nope, I recognized where that strong sentiment was aimed as soon as she stared past Bella's head, which was buried in Rosalie's shoulder. Rosalie immediately went into protector mode. Both her anger at Edward and her protectiveness of Bella have only gotten stronger.

Between the hatred, self loathing and fury that was coming from several family members at once, I was ready to kill. I was glad we were not waiting anywhere near any humans at the airport, keeping ourselves distanced. I bowed my head with the shame of the knowledge of the feelings I had held during that first encounter today. All the dark emotions had brought out my baser instincts. The ones that I had to keep at bay every moment of my existence. All the intensity had put me into predator mode. I had had to escape to the car quickly. No one was letting me help the situation and I was getting all the raw, undiluted emotions in shock waves. These feelings were the closest I had ever felt to being back with my old coven and the southern wars. All the hostility and anxiety had me completely on edge, just as they had back then.

Esme, Carlisle and Alice were all grieving. I couldn't know all their various reasons for certain, because I couldn't read their minds like Edward. But the emotions were all the same. Esme's grief was tinged with hope and joy. She was eternally a mother and a nurturer. She did have one thing in common with Rosalie: to them, despite the risks, there was the possibility for a baby in our house. As for Carlisle, as stoic as he was most of the time, he was a true father as well. Anything that grieved his children, really, any of us, it grieved him as well. As a compassionate doctor, he understood Esme's feelings of wanting to help Bella through the pregnancy, to hope for a possible good outcome to all of this. However, his first instincts were also with Edward, wanting to protect a member of our family against harm. He knew the possibility of losing Edward was real if we lost Bella. He and Esme had already lived through that once. I'm sure the possibility of having to try and do so again was not a prospect he wanted to entertain.

I felt Alice shudder once again in my arms and I opened my eyes to see that hers were still closed. I had taken Alice and escaped once the yelling had finally stopped and everyone had shared their initial opinions and reactions. The room had grown eerily quiet, everyone lost to their own thoughts and feelings. I needed to clear my mind, my emotional state was so out of balance. I needed to readjust the balance and prepare myself for the coming weeks. I needed solitude. I needed to try and find some peace, for however short a time, for my wife. Even in her distraught state, just her presence brought with it, at all times, a sense of serenity.

At the moment, the serenity was hard to come by. Long before I had even found Alice, she had viewed Edward as her brother. She had known they would be close. She had seen and already felt her and Bella as sisters. She had grieved almost as much as Edward when he tore us all away from Bella after her birthday a year ago. The joy that had rolled from Alice when Bella and Edward had made their engagement official and then left her in charge of the event was palpable to everyone in the house, not just me. The thought of truly having a sister was the greatest gift to Alice. Rosalie was her sister in word only. Bella was her sister in all ways except blood.

Now, Alice was afraid she was about to lose Edward and Bella both and maybe more. I knew Alice was irritated with the fact that she couldn't see the wolves and the problem their close proximity to our lives caused on occasion now, but she had found ways to work around that obstacle. She had always hated the flickering images when someone wouldn't make up their mind and she couldn't get a clear image. However, now, all she saw was cold and silent darkness.

The rest of us only lived in one world. The current one, reality, the moment. Whatever you wanted to call it. Alice lived in two worlds. Now and the future. Her world revolved around outcomes and possibilities and futures. I loved to watch her when things she had seen, that she was particularly excited about, came to pass. For example, the first time Bella came to our home it had taken all I had to keep her distracted and calm till Edward came home that morning. Now, when she went to her other world, it was dark and silent. She couldn't see anything. Not even me. She said that frightened her the most.

I didn't understand. How could this pregnancy cause so much disturbance in our world to block all of us from Alice's vision? I could sympathize with Esme and Rosalie, they didn't want Bella's will to be taken from her. However, I was all for keeping everyone safe, all of us. I could not imagine losing my family. Yes, family, not coven. I had lived in a coven, I had lived alone and I lived with my other half. I could not imagine a world now without my Alice in it. I needed my other half and she needed her family. Our family.

We were far enough away from the house that I could not sense the emotions, but if I strained really hard I could faintly hear voices and sounds. I could tell Edward was still pleading with Bella. I knew Carlisle had taken off for the hospital and Esme had buried herself in their bedroom. Rosalie was wearing a line into the hardwood floor in front of Edward and Bella's room. Emmett was silent for the most part, but I could tell he was keeping a sentry watch over his wife. On occasion I could hear him quietly begging Rosalie to leave Edward and Bella be for the moment. I sighed again and pulled Alice closer as I buried my face in her soft short hair.

I felt her move slightly and I opened my eyes as she shifted her position in my arms and placed one of her tiny hands on my cheek. Her eyes were blank. Dull. If my heart still beat, it would have sped up from the worry. Her eyes were always sparkling, always hid a bit of mischief, a bit of hope. I pulled her as close as I could and placed a soft kiss on her forehead.

"Is it going to be ok, Jazz? Can we all handle this?" Her voice was barely above a whisper. The words were not quite solid and floated away before she could finish them.

"I….I don't know the outcome Alice." It pained me not to be able to comfort her and give Alice her hope back. But, I could not lie to her either. "I'm going do my best to help make sure we all get through this though, whatever the outcome. I just need to get myself ready. If…if I seem distant in the next few days, know that's not my intention. I just need to try and keep myself balanced, emotionless, so that I'm not reflecting too much of any negative emotion. You understand Alice, right?"

I needed her to understand I was there for her, always. I may seem otherwise distant and uncaring, but that was not my intention, nor my true feelings.

"I know Jazz. I know how you work, how you feel. Is….is he letting you help at all?" I knew who she was asking about.

"No."

Alice nodded slightly.

"Alice, what are you thinking about all of this?" I knew her emotions, but not the thoughts behind them. I knew she was grieving. I knew she felt lost. I knew she was constantly teetering on the edge of panic. "I mean, do you feel like Rose and Esme, is this…could this really be a baby? I mean I know it's a baby, of some sort, but you know….is it possible that this could all be ok? That this is not something that will be more monster than human?"

Alice peered up at me and her eyes grew wide for a moment before she narrowed them into thought.

"Edward thinks it has only got vampire instincts or will only have vampire instincts."She stated.

I nodded. "Yes, I believe that's basically what he thinks."

Alice stared off into the distance. "Esme sees the son she lost and Rose sees the child she always wanted."

Again I nodded.

"I don't have any human memories or emotions to go on. Bella is the first human I've been in actual contact or a relationship with besides in passing." She stopped for a moment still contemplating. "I think it would be good for Edward if Esme, Rose and Bella are all right. For some reason I have the feeling that he _needs_ to be a father, he needs someone who looks at him in the way a child looks at a parent that they absolutely adore. He needs to see manifested in some form that what he is, is not all bad. Bella has shown him that a bit and he's accepted some of the notion that he is not completely a monster. But I think he needs this child to prove to him he is not a lost cause, even after he has found unconditional love from Bella."

I tilted my head, trying to follow her and understanding to a point what she meant. For the most part, we had all pretty much accepted what we were and the kind of life we lived and were going to live for eternity. Edward, however, loathed himself. He didn't hate or begrudge Carlisle for what he did to him. However, Edward still grieved and loathed and hated the person he was and that no matter how hard he tried to be good, he could not be, because of what he was. Edward was so stubborn. He _was_ a good person. He just simply refused to believe it. Bella had changed him so completely that it was hard to remember sometimes the man Edward had been before her. The self loathing was always there for being so selfish with and about her.

"However," Alice broke my internal musings with her soft voice. "I'm just as scared for Bella's life as Edward. This just isn't normal. We have nothing to go on, I can't see. I didn't even see this coming. I couldn't even have warned them. I can't see what's going to happen. I've lost us all." She buried her head again into my chest and gripped my arms as she started to cry again silently. "I can't lose you all," she sobbed silently. "As much as Edward would _need_ a child, I can't….." She broke off her thought and moved closer to me.

I began to rock her and rub her back in soothing circles. The sky was losing its last bits of the day's color and everything was dipping into shades of black and navy. I sat in the same position and held my life in my arms until the first colors of morning started to show. We never said another word, we just held onto each other. For the first time, no one in our family knew what the day was going to hold. It was an odd feeling. I had grown so accustomed to either our school routine, or Alice bounding down the stairs with our schedule for the day mapped out in her head. The unknown was unsettling.

I sighed as I stood up, Alice still in my arms. Her head was still buried against my chest. "We need to get back, love. Everyone is stirring, Carlisle is home now and I've heard Bella ask for you."

She looked up into my face and nodded. She took her hand and brought it up to my cheek, cupping it and leading my face down towards hers. She placed a gentle kiss on my lips and whispered to me. "As long as I can feel you with me, I don't need to see." I nodded. I understood.

"I'll be close, always." I knew that much was true. Whatever the fates held in store for our family, I would stay close to my Alice. To my life, to my other half. I felt grief for Edward for a moment. For what I knew he was feeling. I could not fathom the thought of possibly having to watch my wife die, and slowly at that. But we weren't sure of what was going to happen. I felt hope flow from Alice and I looked down at her. There was a small gleam in the middle of the dullness in her amber eyes. It was the same hope I had felt the first time I had seen her.

I used her hope to push away my grief so that I could help those that were waiting for us at the house. I smiled back at Alice and she smiled back at me.

I whispered as we headed back to our family, "Yes, my love, there is always hope…"


End file.
